


One Night in Cedar Rapids

by tornadox



Category: Cedar Rapids, Geico TV Commercials, Progressive Insurance "Flo" Commercials, Untitled Goose Game (Video Game), reed.co.uk "Charger" (TV Ad 2016)
Genre: Cedar Rapids - Freeform, Conventions, Crack, Goose is the subject of many conversations, Goose never appears in fic, Hotel Bars, Insurance Commercials, Multi, Multiple Crossovers, Pre-Slash, Secret Organizations, Supernatural Elements, insurance agents, slight RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:07:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28393602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tornadox/pseuds/tornadox
Summary: You never know who you'll meet late at night in a hotel bar at a convention for insurance agents. Could be a celebrity, a hell-beast, or your crush.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 5
Collections: New Year's Resolutions 2021





	One Night in Cedar Rapids

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LovelyPoet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovelyPoet/gifts), [enchantedsleeper](https://archiveofourown.org/users/enchantedsleeper/gifts), [SunriseMagpie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunriseMagpie/gifts), [GaleWrites](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GaleWrites/gifts).



> For @Lovelypoet: I loved your prompt, especially the idea of "insurance convention hookups!" which brought to mind the film Cedar Rapids.
> 
> For @enchantedsleeper: This started as a crackfic of the Untitled Goose causing some of the accidents featured in insurance ads, and then I saw your prompt for the reed.co.uk ad. That changed everything.
> 
> This fic is also a treat for @sunrisemagpie and @GaleWrites. Your prompts inspired me. I wish I had been able to incorporate more of them into the final fic.
> 
> I hope y'all enjoy it.
> 
> .

Mara was not impressed. She was stuck in a hotel bar in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. This was more depressing than the karaoke bar they went to a few months ago; her go-to brushoff about insurance plans would only attract (she scrunched her nose) more people.

She should have known this would happen when Flo suggested going on a work retreat. Flo loves insurance. L-O-V-E-S talking about insurance. Of course, her idea of relaxation would be attending a regional convention for insurance agents.

All Mara wanted to do was go down to her room, change out of her white-and-blue uniform, and chill. Not that she had had the chance to scope out the room before the opening night events. They arrived late due to an incident involving a goose blocking traffic on the interstate. Mara checked in at conference registration while Flo and Jamie checked into the hotel. They met up again just in time for the opening keynote speech by Ted Lippe. Which was followed by a meet-and-greet. Which was then followed by an unofficial event at the hotel bar.

Flo had their room key. Mara would have to stay as long Flo wanted to hang out with other people and talk about insurance.

Mara was stuck here until the bar closed.

She listened to the room: the murmurings, clinking glasses, an occasional shout of "Yes!" She turned her attention back to her co-workers. They were chatting about last year's Thanksgiving with the Thompsons. Apparently, that family roasts a goose instead of a turkey. Huh. That's odd. It would make more sense to have roast goose for Christmas dinner. Wasn't that what they ate in England? Or at least the Cratchits in _A Christmas Carol_?

She needed another drink. She'd get one for Flo, too. Maybe more alcohol would make her sleepy, and then they could go to bed.

As she approached the bar, she saw a large, bearded man wearing a modified knight's suit with a cape. Was there a cosplay convention happening here as well? His arm was wrapped around a smaller blond man, who was talking to a few people standing in a loose circle.

"--working in a cubicle until one day, I couldn't take it anymore."

Mara nonchalantly joined the group.

"I told Reggie that I had lost the will to work," the Englishman continued. "Suddenly the elevator doors opened. Out walked this strange man in armor and a cape. Just like what he's wearing now! He strode through the office with purpose. Then he stopped at my desk."

The man in the funny clothes broke in. "And I said, 'I'm James Reed, and I am here to slay the Beast of Career Misery.' Robert here swooned." Wow. James Reed's voice was deep and smooth. And very, very British.

"I did not swoon. I planted my face on my desk to hide my embarrassment." Some of the others chuckled. The group around them was getting larger. This James Reed guy was magnetic.

"Regardless. I saw this handsome man and knew at once that I needed to help him get--"

"Off?"

"--out of his current position. So I picked him up and carried him away."

"Bridal style," Robert interrupted. "He carried me bridal style down the aisles and back to the elevator. Everyone was gawking. I was mortified."

"You were cute."

"I wish I had swooned and been unconscious. I couldn't meet anyone's eyes the next day when I came in to pack up my stuff." Robert bopped James on the nose.

"Wait, he found you a job? That quickly?" asked a woman.

"Of course," replied James. "Everyone should have a job that makes them love Mondays. Monday is the greatest day of the week."

Mara was dumbfounded by this idea. Did she like Mondays? Did she like her job at Progressive Insurance? Flo and Jamie and the keynote speaker definitely saw being an insurance agent as a vocation. She took the job at Progressive on a lark. Did she want to stay there?

"He carried me out of the building," continued Robert. "He set me down in a field next to a horse."

"Ah, Charger. A fine steed."

"A horse. In pseudo-medieval gear, replete with a pennant."

"Is that when you fell for him?"

"Not quite. We were both on the horse, him in front, about to ride--somewhere. Where were you taking me? It doesn't matter because--a large white goose suddenly ran across the field. Charger spooked and threw us to the ground."

"So you literally fell for him."

"No, I fell **on** him," retorted Robert. "We somehow landed with James on his back and me splayed on top." Mara heard people shuffling their feet. Why was the crowd getting nervous over such a cute story?

"I twisted my body so as to save him from harm."

The crowd murmured "That's so sweet" and "Aww" and "Ouch" and "It."

"And then I kissed him," Robert continued. "I blame it on the adrenalin."

"I blame it on fate." James smiled and gazed at Robert with such devotion. "And we've been together ever since."

Someone pushed past Mara to confront the couple. "There was a goose running across the field?"

Oh my god, that is Idina Menzel. What was Idina Menzel doing in Cedar Rapids? Her voice is so dreamy. Maybe she'll sing. She spoke instead.

"Geese scare me ever since I saw one running down the sidewalk. It was chasing a boy until the kid was trapped in a phone booth."

Someone behind Mara sighed. "Not the goose again."

"I was so surprised, I miswrote 'tax attorney' as 'taxidermy.' I had been commissioned to write a theme song for a wonderful woman, Tara. I was so embarrassed when I sang it to her."

During her story, the crowd's mood changed. There were notes of fear and anxiety. Mara didn't understand why. She heard a man mutter that he'd like to see that goose stuffed.

"We do not speak of the Goose," Ted Lippe announced loudly. There was a moment of silence in the entire bar, followed by some murmurs of acknowledgement. Most of the crowd dispersed. Mara looked around for Flo and Jamie; she did not want to leave now, when things had finally gotten interesting.

She made eye contact with Robert and James; they seemed just as lost. Idina shrugged. Ted said good night and left with his friends. Flo joined the small group of people left in the bar. Mara opened her mouth, but Flo shook her head.

"I love the story of how you two met," Mara said instead of asking about the Goose. "What a coincidence that you came to Robert's office."

"It was no coincidence--he summoned me," James replied very matter-of-factly.

"What?" Mara tried, and failed, to contain her interest.

"Granted, I didn't know that I had summoned him until later." Robert kissed James on the cheek.

"But—summoned—how?" asked Idina.

"Hello. I'm James Reed, and I save office workers from boredom by finding them new jobs."

"Hello, I'm Flo, and I sell insurance." Flo gripped Mara's arm. "As does Mara. Unfortunately, we need to get to bed now for an early start tomorrow. It was a pleasure meeting all of you."

Flo whisked Mara out of the bar. Mara was stunned. She had never seen Flo **not** take an opportunity to talk about insurance. What was going on?

***

Mara tripped as Flo rushed them to the elevator. She did not see Flo turn back to James, narrow her eyes, and mouth "You can't have her."

***

Jamie was waiting for them in the room, which was actually a suite. He patted the seat next to him on the couch. He was usually ridiculously easy to read, but Mara wasn't sure she had ever seen his face wear that combination of sadness, regret, and wariness. As she sat down, Mara tried to hide her confusion, darting her eyes at Jamie, at the glass of water in front of her, and around the room. Flo sat down in a chair across from them both. What was happening? Were they going to stage an intervention for—what—for—not caring enough about insurance?

Mara rubbed her arm; Flo had held her with a steel grip until they made it to the room.

Flo leaned forward with her elbows on her thighs. She stared at Mara, then at Jamie, who gave her a short nod. Flo nodded back and sighed.

"Mara," she said, "tonight we are going to initiate you into the Mysteries of the Insurers." She held her right hand up flat to forestall any questions. Flo looked all wrong; there was no joy left in her demeanor. "Upstairs, in the bar, you may have heard some talk about the Goose. We are here to tell you that those stories are true."

Jamie turned toward Mara with kindness in his eyes. "There is an unnamed, large, white goose that has terrorized the world for centuries. Whenever summoned, It wreaks havoc upon the populace until Its thirst for mayhem has been sated. It chases children, digs up trash, and interferes in people's lives in a myriad of ways. It steals knives and shoes; It knocks over barrels; It loves to cause someone to spit out their drink. Sometimes It appears to help a person with a task like doing the washing, but that is a ruse to lull Its victims into complaisance. It takes pleasure in ruining everything in Its reach."

"And It causes many, many accidents," continued Flo. "Which we, as insurance agents, must clean up."

"I heard that It has two rooms dedicated to It in the Hall of Claims at the University of Farmers."

"What univ—?" Mara couldn't keep quiet. Is there a school for insurance agents? OMG, Flo probably attended it.

"I've always wanted to get a degree there," Flo sighed. She would definitely visit it on her next vacation. She could spend days going through its Hall of Claims and then sit in on some classes and lectures. She shook her head, as if to clear out the dreams of a school where everyone loved to talk about insurance. She went back to the task at hand.

"We do not know where It comes from nor how It travels. It never flies. You hear an ominous flap-flap as It approaches. And then It honks."

Jamie shuddered. Flo squeezed his hand. Had he encountered . . . It . . . himself?

"Nor do we know how It is summoned. Naming It can cause It to appear, as do large gatherings of people who talk about insurance. We call this hell-beast 'It' or 'the Goose,' never by Its name. It can only be banished once It completes a set of Tasks. The number and type of Tasks seems to vary in each encounter. The most common Task is to knock someone or something over. "

"The Mysteries of the Insurers were created to help us fight off this hell-beast and other supernatural menaces. Like James Reed."

Mara raised her hand, but Flo shook her head no. "Mara, we will have time for questions later. Please be patient."

Mara did not want to be patient; she was eager to find out more. She even let it show in her face, which made Jamie's lips curve into a small smile. Flo was right; Mara did have potential.

"Most of them can be summoned with a phrase, a strong emotion, and an action."

Mara gasped. "Are State Farm agents really hell-beasts?" She started to sing the jingle "Like a good neighbor, St--"

Jamie's hand covered her mouth. "Stop. Do not finish that sentence." He raised his eyebrows until Mara nodded in agreement.

"There is a sect of State Farm agents that only battles supernatural pests that are not the Goose. They specialize in cleaning up beasts spawned from blood rituals. They are valiant and so dedicated. When summoned, they must immediately teleport to their customer-in-need. No chance to even change their clothes." Jamie had stars in his eyes.

"Many companies specialize in different parts of the Mysteries of the Insurers. For instance, Farmers Insurance are pros at wards, which is how they can have their own University. Otherwise, It would gorge Itself on that campus. The agent assigned to this convention must have been delayed like us; that is probably why there was an Incident in Cedar Rapids earlier today."

"The goose on the interstate," Mara stated. She took a sip of water. "There are wards on this hotel and the convention center to keep out the hell-beasts."

"Yes," said Flo and Jamie in unison.

"And the delay in setting up the wards allowed James Reed to get into the hotel."

"Perhaps," Flo replied with a distinct chill. "Maybe he is simply on vacation with his boyfriend. His summonings are usually limited geographically to the British Isles. And no one here is looking for a new vocation." As she spoke, her voice gradually lost its iciness, returning to its normal mode of earnestness.

Mara raised her hand again. The tension in the room had lessened. Flo and Jamie had a silent conversation by cocking their eyebrows. Flo reached out and clasped Mara's hand, drawing it down. Mara shivered as her fingers were covered by Flo's hands. Having Flo's attention focused upon Mara made her feel a little nervous and warm. 

"What is Progressive's specialty? How do **we** fight. . . It?"

Flo and Jamie broke into wide smiles. "We are generalists. Like most insurance companies, we have the same goal: to find the best coverage at the cheapest price for our customers. Most of our encounters with It are mundane, just cleaning up small messes left in Its wake." Mara wasn't sure she would ever get used to Flo trying to sell insurance to insurance agents. Somehow, it didn't bother her as much now.

"Is the GEICO lizard a hell-beast too?"

"It's a gecko," replied Jamie. "But, yes, GEICO has harnessed a hell-beast into being its mascot. I think it's a little cruel, but I don't work for them."

"What about Allst--"

Flo silenced Mara with a finger on her lips. Mara really didn't mind having that finger there. She could kiss it if she wanted to. What the hell is going on in her brain?

"We do not like Allstate Insurance; they are rarely invited to attend these conventions." It was odd hearing Jamie use the royal We. With Flo, it seemed natural.

"They have taken a different strategy towards It. They name it in their commercials. With more chaos in the world, more people will buy their insurance."

"Don't they have to pay out all of those claims?" asked Mara. "That doesn't make financial sense."

"No, it does not," agreed Jamie. "They even use the Goose's name as the title for a series of commercials. They've provided It an open welcome to our world when anyone can play the ads on YouTube or read about them online. Not to mention airing the commercials on TV or online."

"That's just rude." Mara scrunched her nose in disgust. "Can't we do something about it, with the Mysteries of the Insurers?" Also, when did Flo move her finger? She kind of wanted it back to . . . lick . . . suck . . . it. Where was this attraction coming from? Sure, Flo was cute with her headband on all the time. It was fun to roll her eyes whenever Flo brought up insurance into every conversation. Flo was so square. Yet now, she saw some depth and confidence in Flo's earnestness. Flo loved to talk about insurance; Mara kind of wanted to hear her talk about it more.

"Do I like Flo? Like like-like?" thought Mara. "What is happening?"

Her attention came back to the conversation at hand.

"I think that's enough about the First Mystery. Let's get ready for bed."

Jamie stood up and took the glasses to the kitchenette. Flo went into the bedroom. Mara started moving the chairs and table and cushions around the room in order to pull out the sofa-bed. She almost jumped when Jamie started helping her.

"Thank you for helping me with this, Jamie. When are you going to go to your room?"

He cocked his head in confusion. "This is my bedroom. We're all staying in this suite. You get the bedroom with Flo."

"Oh."

Okay. She can do this. Sleeping in the same room as her . . . crush. Mara can do it. And then she opened the door.

There was only one bed.

She was doomed.

Flo turned to her. "It's a huge bed. I hope you don't mind that I chose the right side." Mara wanted to bask in the warmth of that glorious smile for the rest of the night.

"Nope, no problem at all," muttered Mara as she tried to hide her face. Do not look at Flo as she changed into her pajamas. Do not look at Flo—get changed yourself. She's your co-worker. Nothing can happen. Don't be creepy.

As she got into bed and nestled under the covers, Mara reflected on the last few hours. She realized that insurance was her vocation. She had been admitted into the Mysteries of the Insurers (although there had been a distinct lack of ritual involved in the induction; maybe that would happen tomorrow; secret societies need ceremonies.) And Mara liked Flo. They were sharing a bed. Nothing was going to happen. Nothing could happen. Jamie was in the next room.

But Mara would find out whether Flo actually smiled while she slept. She hoped so. Mara now had two new missions in her life: help people find affordable insurance—and keep Flo smiling all day and all night.

**Author's Note:**

> On Day two of the convention, Ted Lippe and Flo geek out together about comparing insurance policies. It lasts for hours, as their friends and co-workers look on in amazement.
> 
> Relevant media and influences:
> 
>   * Reed.co.uk: [Charger ad](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x902TlMGZa0)
>   * Progressive Insurance: [Off the Mara-ket ad](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8846PMaWl4) and [Mara Unmuted ad](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLdAfEAOK8E)
>   * GEICO: [Idina Menzel ad](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmda3yi1rpk)
>   * [Insurance Commercial fanfic on Tumblr](https://yarnyfan.tumblr.com/post/112418259618/rizlow1-femmedplume-dreamsandgenes/amp) \- an old Tumblr fic about State Farm Agents responding to supernatural events
>   * Farmers Insurance: Hall of Claims campaign and the University of Farmers campaign
>   * Allstate Insurance: Mayhem campaign
>   * [_Cedar Rapids_ (2011)](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1477837) \- a sweet film about a small-town insurance agent going to the big city of Cedar Rapids for an insurance convention
> 



End file.
